Worried I will never be happy

[Tropical_Pardise]

I hate my face as I think I look male when I’m female . I only fancy men always have . No one is taking me serious . Also I’m very depressed and unhappy in life right now as I’m single and I haven’t had a relationship for along time I don’t know why as I have always wanted someone I guess it’s becuse I haven’t met anyone in along time I hope it changes as I don’t want to be forever alone as I’m in my 40s now hard to believe I know I wish I was younger I’m worried about the menopause . As I heard it’s really awful I wish we didn’t go through it . I have had back luck with men I’m hoping at some point I will find a decent man as I hate feeling like this.

 

[Christinegirl]

We'll take you seriously, hon.

I can't always tell a person's sexuality from their face.

You look feminine to me.

I think you have a nice face.

I don't like how I look either, so I just don't look in the mirror unless I absolutely, positively have to.

If you find too many men that are judgmental and won't go out with you because of your looks, I'd get a dog (if you like dogs) - they're better companions and they don't care how we look.

There are worse things than not having a relationship, hon - like having a bad relationship. But I understand what you mean. It is nice to have a special person in our life, isn't it! I wouldn't give up right yet, though. I'd focus on myself and do other things that make me happy. Then if a man comes into my life that loves and appreciates me, that's just "icing on the cake".

As far as menopause is concerned, different women have different symptoms. My aunt has menopause and she manages fine with the hot flashes. There's also hormone therapy and natural alternatives to creating an hormonal balance.

 

[Christinegirl]

Thanks I just read a article once about it online don’t know if it’s true or not but some people can tell what their sexuality doesn’t matter how feminine someone looks ...

... I m worried I may never fall in love again with a man as I have had back luck With them in the past I was in relationship for years with a man who treated me badly and since then I Have had bad luck ...

I suppose there could be some people who can tell a person's gender just by looking at them, just like there are some people who can tell a person's age just by looking at them. To me, I'm more concerned with the kind of person he/she is - not so much with how they look (because, ultimately, that's what matters - at least to me).

Sometimes, it helps to get more involved in our community and meet new people in different situations (such as joining different hobby groups, taking classes/workshops, volunteering, etc.) - basically putting ourselves out there. Unfortunately, we sometimes have to "kiss a lot of frogs before we meet our prince charming". A lot of women have bad luck with guys - there are a lot of not-very-nice guys out there, I'm sorry to say.

 

[Christinegirl]

It's normal to feel like you may never want a relationship with a man again. We often feel like that when we've been badly hurt - we're afraid of being hurt again.
It's also normal to sometimes feel sad because we don't have a man in our life.
I think the bottom line is: we'd like a man but only a good man. And that's what we should want. There's enough sadness and pain and drama in our lives already - we don't need (nor should we put up with) it with our partners, too. Otherwise, it can lead to depression.

If you keep feeling like you don't miss being in a relationship, that's okay.
The important thing is to make your own happiness. (It's not a good idea to depend on someone else to make us happy, anyway.) Otherwise, we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment and hurt: we're all human, we all make mistakes, we can (at any time) hurt someone, especially unintentionally. And because of this, we're bound to experience sadness from time to time in any relationship.
But if we have ourselves to "fall back on", to depend on, we can deal with the speed bumps of life. If we're content with ourselves, it's like having a car with good shock absorbers - the bad times won't seem so bad. (Of course, if we're on a road with continuous speed bumps/a toxic relationship, we may want to change the road we're traveling on.)
If we're content with ourselves, we'll never been alone or lonely.
We should be our own best friend first, then we can look for others to improve on what we already have.

When you say you were with a man last week, hon, I hope that doesn't mean you were intimate with him. If so, I think that's just giving a man too much too soon, hon. You need to protect your heart and take things slow - get to know the man first (because there are too many guys who will just use us for what they can get out of us).

It would be nice if we could go back to how things were before we were hurt. But we can also be better/stronger for having had those hurtful experiences. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that not everyone will treat us the same from now on - some may even treat us worse, but some may treat us better, too. That's why it's good to approach each person with an open mind and wait and see what kind of a person they are. Unfortunately, that takes time. That's why it's good to put ourselves "out there" but not rush into things - just take our time and get to know the person.
That's why I like the book that's in my signature. It's great at explaining what signs to look out for, especially when initially getting to know someone.

Things can change for the better, hon - the power is in your hands.

 

[Tropical_Pardise]

I didn't say I was with a man last week you misread what I said I haven't been with a man for along time or had a relationship with one I do not know why as I have dated men my whole life and always been attracted to them and still am now I don't know why I feel this way I cant say why as I do not know whats caused it I do not think its because of men as it would of happened before I used to be obsessed with men once used to fancy two guys now I do not look at men like that I m really scared that I will forever feel this way and it does bother me as I do not know what caused it as it not men that have made me feel this way as I was in a relationship about 3 years ago and I didn't feel this way way also the man I did go with weeks ago is someone I know who I used to date . im not interested in anyone and I don't know what i will do if this continues to happen forever I do not want to feel this way anymore. I was really happy 10 years ago until it went wrong my ex blames my other ex for making me feel like this I do not think he is to blame but I wasn't like this years ago also I do not depend on a man thank you very much just that feeling this way makes me want to end my life as I cannot see this ever changing . im unhappy because of what this has done to me I do not know what is wrong with me I wish I knew but this has ruined my whole life as I will never be happy and that's all I ever wanted in life and its never going to happen I will never fall in love again I will forever be alone and depressed something is wrong with me or I wouldn't feel like this something is making me feel like this and I have no clue what it is . something is stopping me from being happy or wanting someone I feel cursed my life is destroyed forever . and I am not happy being lonley etc . i did not choose to feel this way it just happend for no reason and its messing me up badly . im going to end up forever alone I do not want that life .

 

[Christinegirl]

I didn't say I was with a man last week you misread what I said

I was referring to what you said at:

... I was last with a man weeks ago ...

It was my mistake - I apologize. (I should have copied and pasted - that way we can't misquote someone. ) But see, this is what I mean: we're all human, we all make mistakes. And in relationships, whether you were with a man a week ago or weeks ago, my main concern is if you have sex too soon in the relationship. And if you do, it can cause a lot of unhappiness.

... this has ruined my whole life as I will never be happy and ... its never going to happen I will never fall in love again I will forever be alone and depressed ...
... something is stopping me from being happy or wanting someone I feel cursed my life is destroyed forever ...
... just that feeling this way makes me want to end my life as I cannot see this ever changing . im unhappy because of what this has done to me ...

We don't know what the future holds, so you may not always feel this way. (I don't think there's anything wrong with you - lots of people feel the way you do right now, especially when they've been in an abusive relationship. But things can change for the better. You might fall in love again and be happy, you might not always be alone.)

But if your feelings don't change, I would suggest maybe talking to a couple's counselor or therapist. I know you're not currently in a relationship but they have a lot of experience helping people understand why we feel the way we do, regarding relationships.

 

[Christinegirl]

i don not know if they can help me and i did not have sex with him either as we are friends only its not like that also you assume its because of bad relationships but I do not know what it is and depression would not do that but I cannot seek help right now I cannot leave my house with this coronavirus I have not had sex with a man since February and it was not a stranger .I do not want to feel this way forever as its not doing me no good im stressed out my anxiey is bad im in a bad way .and I have not left my house since last December so I have not seen anyone could that be something to do with it im housebound . I have been feeling like this since september last year and its not gotten any better .i feel so low .im always upset .

You won't know until you talk to them but I hope they can help, when you're able to leave your house. Until then, maybe you can talk to someone on the phone - either at a counseling hotline or maybe a local counselor who "sees" patients by phone, especially as a lot of people may not feel comfortable sitting in waiting rooms right now.

I didn't assume anything, hon. I said:

It's normal to feel like you may never want a relationship with a man again. We often feel like that when we've been badly hurt - we're afraid of being hurt again.

and

... lots of people feel the way you do right now, especially when they've been in an abusive relationship.

As you have not left your house since last December (and therefore haven't seen anyone), that might have something to do with feeling low and upset. I would recommend: try to make friends with people by talking to them on the phone or through Skype. Maybe a local church or community center has an "outreach program" where people can socialize electronically from their home (at least until this coronavirus goes away). It might help with your anxiety and stress level.

 

[AlexaJade]

Happiness will come. Honestly. Concentrate on what you do like. Write a list of everything you love. It might help.

 

[Christinegirl]

... after this post, I'll respond to your posts in the general part of the forum in case other members have suggestions I hadn't thought of. "Two or more heads are better than one."

its got nothing to do with age or not meeting the right man I do not know why I feel this way I want to love men again and I want to be attracted to them again as I said I'm not interested in women and never have been but for months I felt this way i do not know why its strange well for me as I'm used to being with someone . i have only ever been attracted to men and only men so i do not know i ever felt this way i dated men my whole life . if i see a man on tv who i like the look of i find him attractive.

i live with my parents for now i do not go out or go to work i never leave the house neither do they none of my aunties or uncles live with me they live miles away in the midlands . they do not have it if they did i wouldn't go near them . also no i have never lied about my sexuality i do not understand why this happened it upsets feeling like this . i do not know what to do its strange well it is for me all i want is to get back to men again i miss being intimate with men i have nothing against anyone who is gay as my dads brother is gay . i miss being intimate with a man a s its been so long and i really want to love them again like i used to how can i get it to go back to how it was before will seeking help once this over help me . i just hate feeling like this i have been crying for months over this since last year that isn't good is it . every time i talk to my ex I'm in tears he thinks once i see a man i will be back to my old self i hope he is right i still want to see guys and why should i not worry . also from what i heard as off today anyone who doesn't obey the rules of staying at home will be forced to go home and if they do not do it they will be fined and prosecuted . as a lot of people are still not taking this seriously which makes me angry . i hope its gone before December as it will ruin everyone's Christmas if its not I'm sure it wont last years once people do as they are told i hope not also covid 19 is not flu its a different virus compared to flu as their is no vaccine for it and their is for flu also no one has been in the house for weeks apart from me and my parents . not seen anyone we wont let anyone in the house . we do not answer the door . i have not been outside since December . Boris said 12 weeks im still scared i cannot help it . i just do not know what to do while at home .

i have no clue what to tell a counsellor as i have never spoken to one before and i get anxiety and nervous talking to strangers i have a support worker who i saw once a week but because i have sunk into a depression i have not been seeing them . i just couldn't face it when i felt this way . and I will not see them til this is over . they are helping me to get out but are useless as they keep changing the people all the time and I'm fed up of it . i will change to a different company after its over . they are not helpful . and i do trust them .something in my brain made me feel like this i know it sounds daft but its true . as before all this happened i didn't feel that way . i was usual would a chemical imbalance make me feel this way way as i do not know . as something did or i wouldn't feel this way i do not hate men far from it . thank you for your reply i properly wont be able to log back in after this as i keep getting hacked don't know why .

thing is i used to watch a show called the l word years ago i know i should not of done and i used to watch girl on girl so that must make me gay as i used to watch it as i do not now i only watched it due to boredom doesn't make me want to have sex with a woman as i do not straight women do not watch these type of shows only gay or bisexual women . it makes me want to have sex with a man when i used watch it only men turn me on .

thing is i used to watch a show called the l word years ago i know i should not of done and i used to watch girl on girl so that must make me gay as i used to watch it as i do not now i only watched it due to boredom doesn't make me want to have sex with a woman as i do not straight women do not watch these type of shows only gay or bisexual women . but I really wanna be with guys again .

ok well I guess you think im gay because of this bye

Hi, hon. Please don't worry if I don't respond straight away. I'll answer as soon as I can.

No, I don't think you're gay - you said you have only ever been attracted to men. (And even if you were gay or bisexual, there's nothing wrong with that in my personal opinion. We can't help how we feel.) You said if you see a man on TV whom you like the look of, you find him attractive - so I think you're fine. (I believe you when you say you have never lied about your sexuality.)

I suspect you're not sexually attracted to men because you haven't found any man, recently, that you're attracted to. Once you're able to go out and meet people, become active in your community again, you might find someone you like and then those feelings of sexual attraction will return. I know it's hard not to worry but if you look forward to going on dates again, it might help you not to worry and cry about this. It gives you something to look forward to - which we need.
The covid-19 virus will eventually run it's course and then we can go back to our regular lives again. Until then, I recommend taking care of yourself and your family - enjoying the time you do have with them, however short or long that time is.

I'm sorry you're no longer in touch with your support worker. Is there a counselor or therapist you can talk to over the phone (at least until covid-19 is no longer a threat)?
As far as what to tell a counselor, I recommend reading to him/her what you've written to me/what you've posted on this forum - and they can take it from there. It's normal to feel anxious and nervous when talking to a stranger but counselors are used to talking to people who have the same concerns you have. You'll possibly feel better once you start talking to someone. Because you have sunk into a depression, it's all the more reason to talk to a professional who can help you.
If they can't help (and/or if you feel that something in your brain has made you feel like this), then I recommend getting a complete general physical exam (when covid-19 isn't a threat anymore). You can explain to the doctor what you've gone through, in case the reason you're feeling the way you do has to do with something simple like a chemical/hormonal imbalance in your body (such as a low level of estrogen) - something that can be easily regulated with a certain diet or medication (such as hormone replacement therapy).

As I said before, hon, even if you're not sexually interested in/attracted to men, you can still have a full, rich, rewarding life.

It's normal to be scared, especially for your loved ones who are older and are unwell. But being afraid takes a lot of energy out of us. As far as what to do is concerned: use that energy to occupy your time and thoughts with other issues, focus on other aspects of your life such as; work, taking care of yourself, taking care of others. Be so busy that you don't have time to even think about your sex life and whom you're attracted to.

In other words, be so busy that you don't have time to be scared that you may never be attracted to a man. (Besides, a lot of guys aren't worth knowing anyway. I know guys but a lot of them don't treat women right. There are worse things in life than not having a man - for example; having a man but have him be inconsiderate, selfish, even abusive.)
I observe the way some men treat the women in their life, how they talk about women. I haven't met too many men that are decent. In other words, maybe going off men isn't such a bad thing.


You can still log in to this forum, hon. I haven't deleted/banned your account.
Why do you think you keep getting hacked? I've been watching the activity on this forum (as a Moderator) and I haven't seen any suspicious activity.
Has someone logged into your account with your password and posted using your username? If you see any post that has your name but you didn't write it, please let me know straight away and I'll find out what's going on.
Or if you feel more comfortable, sign up with a different username and a different password. I'll accept your request. (We don't have to worry about the administrator possibly banning your new account due to it having a duplicate IP address - she hasn't visited this forum since February 28.)


The bottom line, hon, is: you may not be sexually attracted to men until you find the right man. I'm not sexually attracted to men right now, either, but I'm looking forward to finding a man one day - someone that I will be sexually attracted to (and hopefully we'll spend the rest of our lives together). Maybe that's what will happen to you, too.

 

[Tropical_Pardise]

so you are saying watching a lesbian show years ago doesn't make me lesbian despite I'm only attracted to men and I still like men I do not hate them I do not watch stuff like that now it was just out out curiosity that's all it didn't make me feel attracted to women or anything if anything I have only ever looked at men and I like sleeping with men that has not changed I have always liked men just not been intrusted in them for a while as you said I haven't met anyone I like I will seek help once this outbreak is over I hope its not too long im going crazy its like living in a nightmare even my friend he wants this to go soon some idiot last year though on yahoo said I'm in denial about my sexuality they though I was attracted to women and I told them I have only ever been interested in men they misread what I said and they don't even know me and what they said made me think that what could be causing it it would be different if I did fancy women etc but I don't also I do not know why but I keep having to change my password all the time as It wont sign me in with the one I had before I'm being honest its only men for me I m sexually attracted to and that has never changed despite being hurt by men but I haven't had much luck with men but I hope that will change

 

[Tropical_Pardise]

thanks for replying I wont be using this site anymore I know for a fact I definitely want to find someone again and be happy bye

 

[Christinegirl]

so you are saying watching a lesbian show years ago doesn't make me lesbian despite I'm only attracted to men and I still like men I do not hate them I do not watch stuff like that now it was just out out curiosity that's all it didn't make me feel attracted to women or anything if anything I have only ever looked at men and I like sleeping with men that has not changed I have always liked men just not been intrusted in them for a while as you said I haven't met anyone I like I will seek help once this outbreak is over I hope its not too long im going crazy its like living in a nightmare even my friend he wants this to go soon some idiot last year though on yahoo said I'm in denial about my sexuality they though I was attracted to women and I told them I have only ever been interested in men they misread what I said and they don't even know me and what they said made me think that what could be causing it it would be different if I did fancy women etc but I don't also I do not know why but I keep having to change my password all the time as It wont sign me in with the one I had before I'm being honest its only men for me I m sexually attracted to and that has never changed despite being hurt by men but I haven't had much luck with men but I hope that will change

thanks for replying I wont be using this site anymore I know for a fact I definitely want to find someone again and be happy bye

You're welcome, hon.

If you can't log in, please sign up with a different username and a new password. You should be able to access this forum, then.

I wouldn't wait for this outbreak to be over (because who knows when that will happen) before talking to a counselor over the phone/over the internet, trying to find what could be causing you to feel the way you do. Because, as you said, not been interested in men for a while is making you go crazy. But like I said, you may feel differently once you meet a man that you're sexually attracted to.

I think we've established that you're not a lesbian - as you still like men. Watching a lesbian show years ago doesn't make you a lesbian.

A lot of women haven't had much luck with men, hon. You're definitely not alone in that regard. But I hope you will have good luck with men, and that you'll find someone and be happy.

 

[Sophiadelas]

I hate my face as I think I look male when I’m female . I only fancy men always have . No one is taking me serious . Also I’m very depressed and unhappy in life right now as I’m single and I haven’t had a relationship for along time I don’t know why as I have always wanted someone I guess it’s becuse I haven’t met anyone in along time I hope it changes as I don’t want to be forever alone as I’m in my 40s now hard to believe I know I wish I was younger I’m worried about the menopause . As I heard it’s really awful I wish we didn’t go through it . I have had back luck with men I’m hoping at some point I will find a decent man as I hate feeling like this.

Please don't be upset. You are not going to change anything if you put yourself in this negative mindset. You don't need anybody to feel happy or to make you happy. Just change your habits, find new hobbies etc. As Morcheeba says, "stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride" xx

 

[Christinegirl]

both my index fingers are not the same one finger is higher and has a small gap and the other finger is lower and has a bigger gap and I read that if someone has this they are gay and now I'm worried now as I was born with fingers like that I m thinking I got my sexuality wrong even though I have never been into women but I want to find out if I am or not I cannot stop stressing . no straight person has two different index fingers .

Sez who?! Guess what, hon? I just measured my index fingers and one is higher/longer than the other! (I'm left-handed and it's my index finger on my left hand that's longer. I was thinking the "dominant" hand is bigger but then I measured my middle fingers and my middle finger on my right hand is longer - so there goes that theory. )
One thing I do know, though: I'm as straight as a board - never had feelings of sexual attraction towards women. So there goes that theory, too.

You already know if you're a lesbian or not - you said you've never been into women, and I believe you. That determines our sexual preference. (And even if you were into women, what would be wrong with that! Sometimes it's not always easy getting along with a man, anyway. People might be happier, generally speaking, if we were more gay:
men could have sex every other hour if they wanted and
women could spend more time in foreplay and cuddling.)

You haven't gotten your sexuality wrong, hon - you know how you feel inside, whom you are attracted to. And that's what matters. Not what we look like. So you don't have to stress anymore.