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What do I do?

JadeTora

Member
I've got some serious problems, my name is Jade; Australian born and 22 years old ( Currently living in the US with my boyfriend ) - We've been together for almost a year now and seem to have constant problems, I really need some advice.

It started with simple disagreements that grew from there, it seems like as a male he's constantly beating his chest and while I myself am on some level submissive, I also have my limits; I mean I do expect to be treated with respect and at least some dignity. I don't want to constantly argue, bicker and fight.. The disagreements were mostly over stupid stuff like who was better at games, who was smarter et cetera.. I'm a gamer girl, I've been playing video games for a long time now ( On and offline ) and I feel I'm genuinely good while at the same time really just being a casual gamer, I mean I do other stuff.

One of the biggest fights is over physical fitness and Martial Arts. I'm a Martial Artist and for years now I've been training in Shaolin Kung Fu, I've received formal and informal training ( The majority of my training has been self taught ) but I'm a girl who is 6'0 ( Tall and lanky girl ) and 120 LBS about. So I'm in pretty good shape, I free run ( IE - Parkour ) and am generally athletic because of it ( I try to be, though I can only be at night because I have a condition that makes it impossible for me to go more than half an hour in the sun ) - He is a big guy 6'1 and weighs roughly 250 LBS ( He's a little over weight, yea. ) and is obviously not in the greatest shape..

The strange thing is he seems constantly threatened that I'm somehow insisting I'm superior to him because I can do these things.. It starts fights constantly in which he will fervently claim that he could beat me in a fight and I just stand to the side going "Okay, if you say so" wondering.. Why as a couple are we even discussing fighting each other? How did this get started? ( It starts as I discuss Martial Arts and I offered to teach him to which he also fervently insisted that he already knew everything I was trying to teach him to get him in shape.. Naturally, he doesn't.. Because there's no way he could know a Chinese Martial Art being that he's an American that hasn't had any formal training but I let it slide ) - Why does he always have to be right?

He insists that I always have to be right and that I always have to be better and yet he starts these arguments with me over stupid things and time and time again I say "Okay." and try to admit defeat for the sake of peace but he won't have it, he draws it out even more.. He will get in an argument with me about how I see the world ( Because I am a pessimist and I do see the worst and expect the worst, I am a hopeful pessimist that hopes for the best. ) and when I tell him "I just want your opinion and input on this view of mine" He will refuse and when I ask again he will give it and then insist ( He just did it ) quote unquote that "If I had said it in a different way or told you 'This is why I don't agree with you because -', then you would tell me 'you're wrong because -'" And it's simply not the case. I asked his opinion so I could see it from a different perspective and intended to say "Hm.. Alright, fair enough." when he gave me a different view - However no matter how much he claims I always have to be right he has to pull these arguments out and say something like that which is just.. Uhg.. Infuriating..

It's grown to a whole new level in recent months.. Last night we ended up in an argument some how ( I don't even remember HOW ) over something ( But I'm sure it's trivial ) and it actually ended up in a full on fist fight.. I think it started when he grabbed me aggressively and I tried to swat him off but he proceeded to grab me by the throat and try to hold me down so I started punching and he hauled off and punched me in my temple.. Somewhere along the scuffle I got up and told him to get out of my way and he refused and I said "You have two seconds" to which he arrogantly counted "One, two" and I kicked at two and sent him into a wall. He came back at me and I just sat down and stopped fighting giving up because I didn't want to hurt him. What he doesn't seem to comprehend is that I don't want to fight him because I LOVE him and it hurts me that he does these things, when I confronted him with "Big man beating up on his girlfriend" he goes "Big girlfriend beating on her man" And I'm just sitting there going "How is this fair? I'm several times smaller than you AND I don't even want to fight. You're not supposed to hit girls. Period."

He's confrontational and I just don't know what to do anymore.. He always has to be right, always has to be the best and always finds a way to blame me for everything ( Some how I'm always the one that starts these arguments, always the one to start these fights et cetera ) and I can't take it anymore..

But I don't want the relationship to end because I love him.. Please help. :(
 

cambop

Member
I'm sorry - if it's getting physical then it's time to get out before one or both of you gets seriously hurt or worse. I can't comment on how you feel about him because only you know that but it does sound like it's escalating. The way he talks to you and his behaviour towards you are not those of a loving partner :(

I'm a fellow hopeful pessimist so I know how that goes, it's hard to explain what's going on in your head and sometimes it comes out the wrong way but you need to put you first in this case.
 

Becky

<b>Community Manager</b>
Hi hun, first of *huge hugs* it sounds like you are having a really rough time of things at the moment and its an awful situation to be in.

The problem is, violence in any relationship no matter if its coming from the guy, the girl or both is not healthy, there is something seriously wrong when things reach that level and I think deep down you probably know this. I think you need to look at things realisticly and say that you either need to end things and move on or perhaps try councelling or anger management (both of you) if you are determined to stay together.

Becky xx

 
C

Cassie

Guest
The girls are right Jade. First, welcome and hope you're not feeling too stressed at the moment.

Any kind of violence in a relationship isn't healthy, no matter who instigates it. If possible, you need to try to talk with your boyfriend about this, calmly and rationally. If that's not possible, then counselling. If THAT isn't possible, then no matter how much it may hurt, you need to get out of what is already, from what you've said, an abusive relationship.

Your post makes me think that he feels threatened by you. Not physically, but by your fitness, your physique, your strength of opinion, etc.

Men's egos are very fragile and if he's a big guy, but knows you could beat him in a physical fight, maybe he feels "less of a man" - but it shouldn't.

What really makes him less of a man is that he physically attacked you. That shouldn't happen, no matter what the provocation. What will he do next time? Pick up a baseball bat, simply so he can "prove" his physical dominance?

He seriously needs help, but if he can't be persuaded, you need to get away from him and find someone who will love and respect you for who and what you are, your opinions, your feelings, etc.

I wish you lots of love and luck and hopefully you realise that if you do need a chat, the girls here will always listen and give you support.

C x
 
Welcome to GF Jade, and have a big hug from me. Jade if it was me I would get out as soon as possible, and go stay with a friend or family. Take a time out to really think if you want to stay in this relationship (me personally I wouldn't). Counselling is certainly an option if you both, and I mean both of you want to make it work.

Lisa xxx
 

Adorableish

New Member
Hey Jade, I know it's hard to accept this, but it doesn't seem like this relationship will go anywhere positive. He seems to have issues that need to be worked out and if he is not willing to get help, then there is most likely no helping the relationship. it should have never gotten physical but since it has and he is most obviously threatened by you and has some sort of masculinity complex that is ruining his ability to treat you as you deserve to be treated, you should ask yourself if this is how you want to be treated from now on. you sound like a smart girl, i know love is complicated, but it's for the best to find someone who will appreciate and respect you for the talented, strong woman that you are. i wish you luck and hope you have the strength to fix this or get out before it gets worse.
 

JadeTora

Member
I really appreciate all the responses and support I got here, I can tell I'm going to enjoy this place and make a lot of friends.. I think we managed to work it out last night after posting this, he and I had a serious talk and I made him listen to me and listen to what I had to say. It really bothered him when I told him I was scared of him because he always went around beating his chest and scaring me and earlier in the night he also caused my to cut my hands several times which I think also acted as kind of a wake up call.

At any rate, he's been treating me a lot more gently. I hope he realizes that despite how tough I may look or be when I'm training or sparring, I'm not that 24-7; I'm also a girly girl and fragile at times and am unique in that I'm not a tom boy at all times of the day..
 

cambop

Member
My goodness that post made my heart jump. I hope your hands are not too seriously hurt. Just be careful - if you are determined to stay and make it work make HIM work too don't you do all the running and changing. NEVER accept violence towards you again - he has been told now so if he didn't realise how he was affecting you before he cannot use that excuse again.

Be safe Jade ok?
 

scorpirulz

Member
Dear Jade,

firstly i must congratulate you for being strong, brave and a woman who stood up for herself... kudos to you!!!

secondly about helping you i would request you to kindly be prepared for anything that might come your way.... pls make sure you analyse the whole thing from every perspective esp 'what if something or this might happen again?'

also pls make sure that you have contingencies in place for any situation you might encounter...
I am glad you have spoken things out to each other and have seen change in him... but please note that your an individual first and then whatever... same goes with him he is an individual first and if he shown no dignity towards a woman he aint no man.
..
but once you talk things out make sure that you dont show your vulnerability to him... he may take advantage of it, you never know....
but they say love is blind... dont let it get to you... you dont come across to be that weak to slit your wrist or something suicidal... nothing is worth in life than one's life... not all are gifted with it...

Jade... take care and enjoy your life because you are worth it more than anyone... cheers! :grouphug:
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
A man who has a physically strong and fit partner may feel he's physically "inadequate" - especially considering that physical strength is one of the (few) areas that men are generally stronger than women.

A loving partner shouldn't want to fight with us - unless they're a troublemaker who needs to fight with someone, either physically or verbally, because they feel bad about themselves (and as the old expression goes: "misery loves company").

Any time a couples argument becomes physical, that's the time to call the cops and move out - even if you love your partner. People who think it's acceptable to engage in domestic violence usually have difficulty controlling their temper and usually continue this abusive behavior (even if they're apologetic and swear they'll-never-do-it-again) afterwards.
 
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