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venting

xxhdbxx

New Member
I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 5 years and we just had our first baby together. A couple months before I got pregnant I had left him to sleep with other people (because he never paid me any attention)... so we ended getting back together & we were having sex ALL the time... he kept saying I want to have a baby & I love you BLAH BLAH BLAH. I found out he was cheating on me (just talking to other females) AS the pregnancy test was loading. I decided to move past it but I’m always sad when little things happen and it always makes me feel so ugly and nasty when these things happen.. one thing I always remember is when I saw him check out some girls butt who was fit and wearing booty short WHEN I WAS 9 MONTHS PREGNANT. Porn was also a huge issue when I was carrying out baby. He refused to stop watching it even though I caught him multiple times... it was like he was addicted to something he was watching because he didn’t want to have sex with me or barley touch me. I think about it all the time and I know I’m not the prettiest girl or the sexiest girl to him. I’m always putting out and doing whatever he wants so he won’t cheat on me and be able to say “you didn’t want to have sex” or anything like that.

I know I can’t change what he thinks but I wish I knew a way to not think about anything bad that’s happened or find a way to be okay with him looking at other females.
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
I know you've been together for a long time (five years is a long time in relationship years :) ) and you even have a child together (and you possibly love him), but he's bad news. He's disrespectful to you and to the relationship and even though he may care about you in his own way, he doesn't love you enough to be emotionally faithful to you.

I know this may be hard to hear, but you're better off without a man you can't trust. You can't change him, and he probably won't change. So as long as you're with him, you have to worry whether or not he's faithful to you.

You're better off leaving him (because he may leave eventually anyway) - even having a child - and look for a real man who will love you and the baby and be a man you can trust and respect.

Some men will say they love us (so we'll stay with them) and they want to have a baby with us (because they think the baby will "tie" us to them).

Just talking to other women isn't necessarily cheating but looking at porn when he's in a committed relationship is.
We feel like it's our fault somehow, but it's not. We could be the prettiest woman on the planet, successful, cater to his every needs, etc. and it wouldn't matter. He'd still be checking out other women. It's because of who he is - not who we are. That's why so many girls/women go against their better judgement and have sex with a boy/man she likes - she's afraid she'll lose him if she doesn't. But if we have to go against our principles in order to "keep" a man, is he worth having? If we lose a guy because we won't have sex with him, did we really have him in the first place?
(But yes, I agree, it does make us feel less than attractive, less than a woman if our man cheats on us. That's why the relationship is toxic and should be ended as soon as possible for your own mental and emotional health and for your self-esteem - which erodes when we're with an abuser.)

Some men don't want to have sex with a heavily pregnant woman (for various reasons) but that's no excuse to cheat on her (and looking at porn while in a committed relationship is cheating - unless it's agreed to by both the couple. We can tell it's cheating by the reaction men have when they find out their wife/girlfriend is cheating on them, checking out other guys, looking at porn, etc.!)

I don't know whether you should be okay with him cheating on you. It's disrespectful to you and to the relationship.
I think you need to work on yourself, focus on yourself, take care of yourself, realize you deserve someone you can trust, and try to find that person.
You may always care for this guy (and it's not easy to leave someone you care about), but you need to care about yourself and put your health and happiness first, before him. You owe it to yourself and to your baby. You need to be the best mother you can be but if you're stressed out, unhappy, etc., it will affect your baby's happiness, too - and that's not doing what's best for him/her.
I mean, what kind of a role model will the baby's father be if he's abusive to his/her mother (you)? If your child is a boy, his father will teach him (through his actions) that it's okay to mistreat a woman he's supposed to love and care for. If your child is a girl, her father will teach her that it's normal for a man to not be there for her (emotionally as well as physically) and that she's supposed to accept his abuse (which will give her low self-esteem and she'll possibly be abused when she's older because she'll let a guy mistreat her).

You and your child deserve better than what you have now.
 
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