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Stuck in toxic relationship

Tommyli

New Member
Hello!
The title said everything, I am stuck in a toxic relationship and already left him 2 times... but I went back to him. It is a really long story, he hurt me, he broke me, he betrayed me, he lied to me, he manipulated me and I still keep forgiving him and love him. It is like I have different personalities or that I am bonded with him like a curse. Any one who have the same kind of feelings or situation, or someone who have dealt with it and is living a happy life now? I feel so alone and ashamed...
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
Loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of, hon. The secret is: you need to love yourself, too.

We can't help whom we love but loving someone doesn't mean we have to put up with their abuse.

You might still love him so much that you would miss him too much if you weren't with him. If this is the case: when he hurts you badly enough that the pain is stronger than your love for him, you'll have the strength to break that bond, leave him permanently, and eventually have a happy life.

If you leave him prematurely, you'll possibly either go back to him or have an unhappy life.

When he hurts you and you want to leave him then, please do so (in case you'll have reached that point where you can stay away from him and be content with your decision). But please don't be disappointed with yourself if you do go back to him. It'll just mean that you haven't reached that point yet.

And you can always talk to us, too, regardless of what you decide. No judgement here. Only support. That's what us women do for each other. (Or at least we should.) :)
 

Tommyli

New Member
Hi Christine,
Your advice gave me so much wisdom, even if it seem really logical, to read this from another person perspective can clear up the sky! My mind is so busy that it is very nice to have someone else who can give you a clear point of view and advice on the situation. Thankyou very much!
 

shanzi

Active Member
Hey hon, listen I've been in the exact same situation read my post called I have a bit of an issue it's very similar situation. I'm now in a very happy new relationship try ur best not to go back into a relationship and look for a new guy who deserves tho even though it may take some time it will be worth it. Gs luck
 

Tommyli

New Member
Hey hon, listen I've been in the exact same situation read my post called I have a bit of an issue it's very similar situation. I'm now in a very happy new relationship try ur best not to go back into a relationship and look for a new guy who deserves tho even though it may take some time it will be worth it. Gs luck
Thankyou ! I wil take a look at your story!
 

Tommyli

New Member
Something that really bothers me is that he cheated on me with his ex wife, they have a kid together. In the beginning of our relationship he already kept seeing her and lied to me about it, he told me that he went to the gym or was going to see a friend of him, but in reality he went to see her. I always asked him and he told me I was being paranoid. After 9 months I didn’t want to be around him because he was so negative and made me feel sad, I left the house for 3 days and then we arranged to have a good talk. Suddenly he called me and told me he cheated on me with his ex wife in our bed.... Long story short, his ex wife confirmed it and had to give me all the details about their affair to make me feel more miserable (she had a boyfriend herself but she wanted to ruining our relationship and kept going until she won). I left my partner and he cried for me to come back. And I did... and I left again and came back. I can’t stand the ex wife that will stay in his life forever because of their child, last time she knocked on the door and I couldn’t hold my anger, she called me a bitch and I didn’t say anything back and as cherry on the top she had to say: baby give daddy a kiss. She enjoyed it so much to see my anger and frustration and to show me they have a kid together who they share and I am standing there like a fnkg dumb numb girl .... And all the bad things that he did to me or that happened about the lying and betrayal and making me feel like a fool keep ghosting in my mind and it switch my happy mood to aggressive, sad and stupid. I still stay with him because I love him and it confuses me so much.
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
He sounds like he wants to eat his cake and have it, too. Too many men have even admitted that they would live like this if they could. Some feel they won't get caught so this is what they do - for as long as they can get away with it. And, of course, they'll deny their "cheatin' ways" - even to the point of trying to make you think you're imagining things. That's scary when a person plays mind games to the point that they try to convince us we're "crazy" - when they know very well we're not. Then if we have proof/we catch them in the act, they move on to some other poor unsuspecting woman who doesn't truly know them yet.

One of the reasons we "forgive and forget", take them back, go back to them after we've left them is because they weren't always bad, they weren't always cruel and hurting us. We remember the good times, forget the bad, and take them back when they apologize (and their apology is easier to say than finding a new "victim").

I wonder if your partner's ex-wife's boyfriend (confusing, isn't it!) knows she was cheating on him! It sounds like your partner and his ex deserve each other. Personally, I say: cut 'em all loose. They're not worth the grief, hon. The fact that he goes back to her looks like he's just using both of you (and who knows who else he's having sex with).

It takes a lot of strength to stay silent sometimes. Unfortunately she doesn't have your strength - hence calling you names. She feels threatened by you (and probably anyone her ex-husband is with) and is jealous that he divorced her but still uses her for a free orgasm/to "scratch an itch", and he wants you/he keeps going back to you. That just ticks her off and she takes her frustration out on you.
Whenever she tries to make you feel bad, please remind yourself that you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't cheated on your partner, you haven't stuck it under another woman's nose to try to make her feel bad. You have the right to look down your nose at her. I know she may still love him, but real women don't treat other women the way she's treating you.

You also have the right to feel sad that you haven't reached the point, yet, where you feel comfortable leaving him and staying away from him. It may happen one day. And if it does, it won't bother you to see him with someone else (the way it bothers his ex when she sees him with you).
 

Enigma

New Member
Something that really bothers me is that he cheated on me with his ex wife, they have a kid together. In the beginning of our relationship he already kept seeing her and lied to me about it, he told me that he went to the gym or was going to see a friend of him, but in reality he went to see her. I always asked him and he told me I was being paranoid. After 9 months I didn’t want to be around him because he was so negative and made me feel sad, I left the house for 3 days and then we arranged to have a good talk. Suddenly he called me and told me he cheated on me with his ex wife in our bed.... Long story short, his ex wife confirmed it and had to give me all the details about their affair to make me feel more miserable (she had a boyfriend herself but she wanted to ruining our relationship and kept going until she won). I left my partner and he cried for me to come back. And I did... and I left again and came back. I can’t stand the ex wife that will stay in his life forever because of their child, last time she knocked on the door and I couldn’t hold my anger, she called me a bitch and I didn’t say anything back and as cherry on the top she had to say: baby give daddy a kiss. She enjoyed it so much to see my anger and frustration and to show me they have a kid together who they share and I am standing there like a fnkg dumb numb girl .... And all the bad things that he did to me or that happened about the lying and betrayal and making me feel like a fool keep ghosting in my mind and it switch my happy mood to aggressive, sad and stupid. I still stay with him because I love him and it confuses me so much.
I feel you should leave him no matter what. Ik I'm too small for such a advice but honestly it doesn't sound convincing when you say you'll stay with him. The love won't fade away easily but try make distance between you two. Have a straight forward talk about the shit he's doing. Finding another guy may not help but not thinking about him will. Engross yourself in your career and try to stay away from that (I don't wanna disrespect him but still, Im sorry) peice of shit
 

Anthrodani

Member
Hi @Tommyli,

I'm so sorry your going through this experience, I can really relate to your experience in some way...and being torn about whether to stay or go:(. I agree with Enigma though, I think it's really important to sit down and talk to him about this situation that has clearly gone on for too long in your relationship. If you are not able to resolve some of your difficulties through a discussion that may give you the answers you need. Similar to you, I have found it extremely difficult in past relationship to let go of someone because of love, but if it has gotten to the point where your own mental health and happiness is at steak, it is important you try your best to put yourself first. Although staying with him will make you think that you will find that happiness with him once again, reflecting on the explanation you have shared it seems that this relationship (especially with this not so nice ex wife) is bringing you more stress than happiness.

You deserve to be happy...we all do and it does not seem like this relationship will do that for you. I really hope there is a possibility that it does have the ability work out if that is what you want. Good luck hun:)
 

Tommyli

New Member
Thankyou for all the support and positive vibes you guys give me! But I need your advice or opinion about this, my partner he had an affair with his ex wife in the beginning of our relationship, I asked him after I found out a bout the cheating day and he denied every time he kept denying, last day he confirmed it but I didn’t really asked it in a direct question but I was like: .....because you was still doing things with your ex wife..... he was like: yes but that was because you were not around and I didn’t fee you were that serious with me...... sooo now he confessed but he didn’t really realized it I think. Now I am thinking about it all day every day like I had to realize he did that now he confessed, it bothers me because he lied to me that time and when I asked him he also lied about it. Why he suddenly confess now? I don’t understand it feels like fresh now even tho I already knew it even if he didn’t confess yet.... what to do? My heart is beats so hard when I want to talk about it but I’m scared to start the conversation or I think it will not make a difference?? Please give me some advice
 

Anthrodani

Member
Hi @Tommyli, Maybe he has decided to come forward and confess to you now because it has been eating away at him to come clean with you. However, I don't agree with the fact that when he did cheat on you with his ex wife in the beginning, he was confused when he did so. If he really cared for you and loved you at that point in time he would not have done it or wanted to hurt you in that way.

Of course him confessing is going to make it fresh, cause now you guys are rehashing old troubles. I know it can be so difficult to start these hard conversations but if this is something you want to get past with him you are going to have to build that open line of communication together in order to talk through your troubles.

If you don't think it is going to make a difference in having this conversation think that might be telling you something right there. If he is not willing to put in the work to salvage your relationship and get through it together, I don't think he deserves you.

It says a lot about your character that you are really trying to make this work with a man you care about, but at the end of the day if he is not willing to put in equal amount of work, there will definitely be someone else out their who will realize your worth and value you for who you are :)

I hope this helps!
 

Tommyli

New Member
Hi Anthrondani!
What you tell me is totally what is going on in my mind, why does things make more sense when I can see it in black and white and from somebody else perspective? It’s so annoying lol Maybe that’s what friends are for? I am constantly in a confusing conversation in my head for example, why didn’t he tell me, he only wanted me as a rebound, why he told me he loved me even tho he kept seeing her? What if I leave him alone, what if he pick up the kid if he see her will he feel more than he does with me?
I feel I deserve so much more and more appreciated for who and what i am. But at the moment there is nothing wrong and I’m just being dramatic about the past but I’m also scared for the future, will he do it again? Will he go back to her if she did it again or what if we have a break will he go back to her because she is not me? They have a kid and they share something that I would never understand.... I’m wondering away from what I wanted to ask or say because there is so much going on in my head, I can’t even explain it to myself lol
 

Anthrodani

Member
I know what you mean @Tommyli, I can see you clearly have a lot going through your mind and I don't think its healthy for you to continue to have the wheels spinning in your head, while he thinks that everything is fine in your relationship.

These concerns that you have about your relationship are VALID, because at the end of the day it difficult to understand that relationship he and his ex have due to the fact that they share a child. But if he really cares for you, he WILL be willing to have a conversation with you to tackle all the worries you have about your relationship. You don't want to keep investing your time in someone that is not willing to build a future with you.

What I can suggest is maybe start a journal or list of things that you are struggling with in your relationship. Collect your thoughts on paper over a couple days and form some ideas of what you want to bring to his attention.

You can even bring this journal to him in the conversation and that will show him how serious you are in trying to get past these struggles together! What do you think of this?
 

Natalkirlin

New Member
Darling, a lot of us still do that, and it's so sad. The best thing to do is forget him entirely and move on as hard as it might seem! It took me forever to get a divorce from my first husband, and I wish I had saved that time for a person that cherished me and loved me for real. The only good thing out of this whole marriage was that thanks to a good lawyer I was able to get an awesome separation agreement which allowed me and my daughter to move on smoothly and without facing financial hardships.
 
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