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I'm think I started to have existential crisis


New Member
When entering college, I started to have trouble making friends, I came from a different country, I learn the language only for a year, but I got scholarship, so I cut short my Japanese language study and went to the college immediately, only to realize language barrier is very dangerous. Also for context, I'm not good with socializing, and overall really quite.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a few good friends who came from the same country, I'm not a loner, I'm good with only a few friends.

But when my family realize that that's the only friends I have, they pushed me to make more friends, it's for connection they say.

I tried my best, but then again, language barrier. They tried to be polite to me by talking to me for a few minutes, but that's it, no friendship formed. My mom each day asked "have you got any japanese friends?" "Don't just stay with your current friends, later you won't land a job".

So, I tried different approach, I tried to be funny. Tried to be this sarcastic person and it worked. For a while I love the attention I got. I also use this face in my social media, as am artist. I'm known as the funny and sarcastic artist. People loves me, or should I say the face that I created

Then today after I'm done with my class's presentation (which I tried to be funny as well), I got home really exhausted and think, "Dang this is really tiring, I don't even know which one is the real me"

I started to feel tired of me pushing myself to act as a funny person. And the thing is, I can't tell this story to anyone. My mom's happy that I got local friends. My friends thought that I'm just trying to get attention or try to be funny. My followers thinks that I'm a drama queen trying to get their pity and attention, because heck, it's kinda weird seeing a funny person contemplating about them being funny.

I got more people who loves me, but for what? Which one is even the real me? I don't want this anymore, but everyone's happy with my current state.

I'm sorry for the rant, I just don't have anyone to talk to currently, I'm happy you're willing to just listen (read) my rant, I just need a to talk it with someone who won't say "get more friends" or "try to speak more"
Thank you for listening