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Clingy and controlling parents??

Flowergurl

New Member
I'm 21, and live by myself right now, I've move out from my parents home

But mom, doesn't seems ready to accept that I've grown up.

She would call me every day, and always ask every single question. Such as
"Are you going for shopping today?? When are you going home"
"What did you buy" (and I have to list all of the food that I bought)

And somehow will treat me like... I'm still a child??
For example when I had a boyfriend she would hate on my boyfriend and said stuffs like
"Noo, you shouldn't think about relationship, you're still a child, that guy is your friend, not boyfriend"
And if I say, but I'm free to choose my boyfriend... and I'm 21...
She would rebottle with "you know mom always knows the best" or simply giving me a silent treatment
Worse she once fast (not eat anything) for 30 days and prayed to God for 30 days (I don't really know about this, but it's believed that her wish to separate me with my boyfriend will come true if she did this)

I don't really have the guts to oppose my mom. Once when I was in elementary school, my grandma and auntie would always fight every single day, they always have different opinion. My mom always pointed at them and said "you know, if you ever oppose my mom like your auntie, I'd rather die, I'm going to get stressed, and die out of stress".

I'll be honest, I used to love to talk to my mom, I talk about everything. But regreted my action, because when I tell her about my boyfriend, yes, she started to act like I've said above. When I tell her that I started a project with my friend, she got mad and said that I'm still a kid and shouldn't start a project with a friend, just study normally. To be honest, I'm starting to feel hesistant to talk to my mom, coz everything that I said might turns out negatively in my mom's ear. But she kept on asking questions and everything about me. I have anxiety everytime my mom started to call me. Always wonder "should I say this" "what if my mom hate it and got stressed and passed away out of stress" "what if she gave me silent treatment" "but if I didn't say it, she would also give me silent treatment or said that I'm an ungrateful child"

I talked about this to my friend and she said "you know that ur mom is guilt tripping you, right??"

This whole time, I never think about it. But after my friend said it out loud, I started to think, is it true that my mom is guilt tripping me...??

I know that moms will always worry about her child. She's just expressing her love. But if this continues, it just starting to turn the relationship into the toxic one.

Any ideas how to fix this relationship problem??
 

Sarahnr1

Sarah
Simple anwer you need to talk to her and let her know how you feel about this and also that you still love her BUT you are now adult and you need to get youre own space .

From her side its obvius she`s having trouble of letting you go so she also needs understanding and support from you to deal with this .

together you can both find happy middle way in all this

Ps reg youre friend saying youre mom is guilt tripping you : NO what youre mom is suffering from is her dear doghter is now a young woman ready to start her life but mom is not ready yet to release her young adult doghter. She will but as i said she needs love and support from you as well in this.
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
Any ideas how to fix this relationship problem??
I'm sad to say, hon, I don't think you can fix this relationship problem. Your mom would have to become a different person - and that doesn't happen very often.

Your friend is right: your mom is using guilt as a tool to control and manipulate you - you can't even disagree with her (which everyone has the right to do)! That's not love. It's actually abuse. And she does it because she knows she can get away with it. We'll often let mothers get away with stuff that we wouldn't let anyone else get away with - because they're our mom. What else can we do!

The "silent treatment" is another tool of manipulation and ultimately abuse. It's how they get their way - because they know we care about the person and we feel bad when there are bad feelings.

What I would suggest is: tell her what she wants to hear. I know that sounds bad but under the circumstances, I don't know if there's much else you can do. For example, if she doesn't want you to have a boyfriend, (as far as she's concerned) you don't have a boyfriend.
Now, she may not believe you. If she's in the habit of lying or stretching the truth, she may not believe other people - whether they tell the truth or not. (And for the record: if she says she fasts, she might not be fasting at all. She might just say that to try to make you feel guilty so you'll do what she wants.)

The alternative would be to do what abused wives often do: disappear. Move far away (preferably to another state), change your identity, and never contact her ever again. I know it's drastic but sometimes that's the only way you'll have peace in your life, I'm sorry to say.

Also, some parents are so used to treating their children in a certain way (for example, always telling them what to do), that they can't stop. But your mom is an extreme case. It's also unhealthy to be associated with manipulative abusers because they're very good at twisting a situation around to try to make you feel like you've done something wrong - when, in fact, they're the ones who are in the wrong.

She may never like any boyfriend you ever have. Now I know some parents think their son or daughter-in-law is never good enough for their daughter or son. But when a parent is an abuser, they don't like anyone new coming into their child's life because they're afraid the new person will see them for the abuser they really are (and will tell the son or daughter. If we've grown up with an abusive parent, we may not even know we're being abused because that's all we've ever known. But a new person will see the relationship with a "fresh pair of eyes" and they'll tell us something like: "Hey, do you realize your mom is a manipulative controller...")
Again, it reminds me of abusive boyfriends/husbands. They'll often try to eventually separate their girlfriend/wife from her friends/family - anyone who can see him for the abuser he is. She may be blinded by love and not realize she's being controlled/abused, but other people can and he doesn't want them "filling her head with ideas". Otherwise, he loses control.
As people often accuse others of that which they are guilty of themselves, don't be surprised if your mom says every man you date is an abuser. (She might be right but she may be judging your boyfriends as treating you the way she treats you.) For example, she may accuse you of being ungrateful when in fact, she may not be grateful that she has a tolerant, accommodating daughter such as yourself.

Mom doesn't always know best - especially when mom's an abuser. (And she doesn't want you to oppose her? That's how world leaders, who are dictators, talk!)

It's normal for some parents to worry, but she's not going to die out of stress (unless she works herself into a heart attack - which drama queens can sometimes do. But she'll be bringing that upon herself. That's not your fault. It's her responsibility to not be over-dramatic. She needs to learn how to handle disappointment without working herself into a stroke!)
But people like your mom can be very stressful to interact with. You have my sympathy, hon.

The sad thing is: when we have abusers in our life, they often succeed in driving us away from them. It's their loss, but it's our loss, too.
 
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