• Hello and welcome to GirlsForum.com, an online community for girls to talk about anything: fashion, beauty tips, or advice! We'd love to have you as part of our community so why not sign up today? It's free!

Baby?? Marriage??

Flowergurl

New Member
So, my boyfriend is giving me silent treatment for the past 2 days, it's about having marriage and baby

I'll get to the point, I don't want it, and he disagree with my opinion and had given me this silent treatment for a while.

He said I'll be graduating college soon, that means we could get married immediately, and have kids

I'll tell you the reasons why I don't want marriage or baby, feel free not to read it, but I kinda want to know if my reason is reasonable enough

1. Different race
Racism still happens a lot in Indonesia, (I live in Japan now), and my boyfriend is a Javanese, I'm a Chinese, the two races that will never get along. Once I dated Ben, a Javanese, but my parents hate him, because he's not Chinese and wouldn't let me visit Indonesia until I broke up with Ben. So, broke up, and dated my current boyfriend a year later. But I did it secretly, without my parents in Indonesia knowing. Marriage would mean I have to open up to my whole family, who knows if they'll judge me for interacial relationship again.

2. Different religion
I'm a Catholic, and he's a Muslim, yes another 2 group that fought a lot of time. My parents won't let me date any Muslims back when I was in Indonesia, that's first. Second, about the religious marriage, will we do it in Catholic way?? Or Muslim's way. Anyway anyhow, this'll only start conflict between 2 families, am I right??

3. My job
My current job is a mangaka, a comic artist. Though some comic artists gets paid a lot of fortune, I'm not that lucky. The pay is not bad, it's decent, but too little compared to the labor I do drawing comics to update each week. With such pay, will I be able to sustain my child?? And my job is considered a freelance job, so there's no such thing as insurance from company. And with such packed schedule, will I be able to give attention to my future child?? I barely had time to eat or take care of myself, then having a baby is a whole another ordeal. My boyfriend also had a packed schedule, and he's the old-style type where he thinks men should be the one working and women should be the one at home taking care of the children. But no, I'm not ready to give up my position as a mangaka to do houseworks for him and our future child

4. Concern about child future
As a Mangaka, I got bullied a lot back then when I was in high school. I was labled the "girl who drew weaboo stuffs", having a parent with an odd job as a mangaka... wouldn't that put my child in the same being bullied state, I don't want that, that's really horrible, I've been through that stage. What if my child gets bullied because her mom drew weaboo stuffs??

5. I'm a kid at heart
Deep down inside, I think I'm still a kid. Loves to play video games, collect pokemon figurines, etc. My God, back in Indonesia, when there's a mom who loves to play games, everyone gossips about it and talk about how irresposible that person is as a mom. I think... I would end up in that state if I do become parents :/ I can also be considered as irresponsible with me forgeting my important task and forgetting to have a proper meal

6. I got sick a lot
Isn't it hard to have a mother who got sick a lot. My allergy level is beyond high, just a contact with small dust can leave me hard to breathe. Doctor said, there's a high chance that I'll pass down this to my child, and if my husband also had major allergies, the allergy in my child will increase because high chance is, the child will inherit both allergy traits from his parents. My family also had a diabetes on the family trait, if I by any chance carry the diabetes trait, it will probably appear on my child. A lot of times I also had migranes and vomits a lot. To be fair, it might be due to my unhealthy life style. My period also hurts a lot, most of the time I always cry in pain due to the pain. I heard during delivery, it's like period pain but it hurts wayy more. If I can't even handle a period pain, how could I handle a childbirth.

Well that's all, if you manage to read them all, really thank you, I kinda want to lash out here hahahaah. Anyway I need some opinions, because my boyfriend kept sulking for like forever
 

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
Okay, I'm back again. :D Thank you, kindly, for waiting. ♥

You may love your boyfriend, hon, but I wonder how much does your boyfriend love you!
If he loves you, he shouldn't pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing (and he shouldn't try to make you feel bad or give you the silent treatment when he's disappointed, either). He should respect your feelings. (I wouldn't be surprised if he's "silent" because he's looking for someone else to be his "baby-making machine". It's been done before.)
Giving someone the silent treatment is manipulating, and trying to control someone is a tactic often used by abusers. You might want to be real careful about this guy, hon!

He might only want to marry you so you can give him children. If he wants kids that badly, let him adopt some! :D
But seriously, I'm very impressed that you thought through all the pros and cons about making such an important decision as marriage and having children. Your reasons are very reasonable and valid: a woman doesn't have the luxury of staying home and raising children anymore (even if she wants to give up her career) - because what if the husband leaves! A woman has to stay in the work-force in case she has to financially provide for her children. And it makes it very hard on the mother if she has to work outside the home as well as be a housewife and mother - especially if her wages are the same as yours currently are.
In the past, men would often stay in a marriage, even if he wanted to leave. But nowadays, if a man wants to leave his wife and children, he often does. And even if the husband doesn't leave, there are too many men (such as in your case, hon) that still expect the wife to come home from work and take care of the kids, get the dinner on the table... (The book in my signature is excellent at explaining all of this. Please do yourself a favor, hon, and download it. It's free and it's fast to read and I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it.)

You would make a good mother because you care about how much time you would devote to your children.
I wish all parents were good but too many of them are prejudiced against a future son or daughter-in-law, especially if he/she comes from a different background. And parents can make life very difficult for us - even as adults - if we don't do what they want (which, I'm sorry to say, is also controlling). You already have too many controlling people in your life - you don't need to marry another one!
Don't be surprised if your parents wouldn't approve of your current boyfriend, either (and that will just cause even more problems for you!) Your boyfriend is asking you to give up a lot, just so he can have sex with you and get children from you.

As far as your child/children having a mom who's an artist is concerned, I would think your child would feel privileged. :)
If your child would be bullied (for any reason), the problem lies with the bullies. If they didn't tease/harass your child because of what you do for a living, they'd find something else to bully your child about. Bullies usually don't like themselves, they're miserable, and they take their unhappiness/frustration out on others. We can't change what we do, generally speaking, in order to accommodate bullies - they'll just find something else to make fun of us about. Or they'll make up lies/rumors about us. They're miserable and they make everyone else's life around them miserable, too. That goes for grownups as well as kids. If someone wants to gossip about what we do for a living, again, they're the problem. Some people need to get a life and stop passing judgement on others. But sadly, they don't. And again, if they have such an empty life that they have nothing else better to do than gossip, they would find something about you to talk about, even if you had a different career.

It's wonderful to be "young at heart". People like that often make the best parents; you would still be a responsible parent but you'd be fun-loving/you'd make parenting fun for your child, too (rather than being a strict and severe disciplinarian and having the child be afraid of his/her parent).
You only have yourself to be responsible for, now, so it's easy for us to be neglectful when it's just ourselves. When we have a child to take care of, we automatically become more attentive to the needs of this other little person in our life - so I'm sure you'd adjust just fine. :)

It's much better to have healthy parents but children are very adaptable so I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem if you weren't always well. If anything, having a family member who has an illness often produces a child who is caring and compassionate (and appreciative when everyone is healthy). Your desire to prevent passing down the likelihood of your child having allergies just proves that you're a responsible, considerate person - which just confirms that you deserve to have a man who appreciates your caring nature.

You are correct in saying that childbirth pains are much more severe than menstrual cramps. (Severe period pain is like a mild version of going into labor - our uterus contracts in both situations. Have you seen a doctor about your period pain? You shouldn't have to suffer every time you have your period. We can talk about this more in another post - I'm afraid my post, here, is quite lengthy already!!)

If your boyfriend ever decides to stop sulking and start talking to you again, I'd give him a copy of your post (and you can give him a copy of my post, too) so he can see how important it is for him to allow you to decide if and when you want to get married and whether or not you want to have children, and when. You'll be the person going through the labor pains, not him!
And if he really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he needs to start respecting your wishes and not "bully" you into doing what he wants. Otherwise, maybe you'll find someone else - someone who cares enough about you to respect your decisions. You're intelligent enough to make the best decisions, the right choices. You've proven that in your post.

If a man loves you but he belongs to a different religion than you, you can teach your children about the two different religions. That shouldn't be a problem. Children often decide what to believe when they grow up, anyway.
Other couples, from different religious backgrounds, have had two separate wedding ceremonies and have had successful marriages (as long as their families don't interfere).

I'm glad you came to talk to us, here. You can "lash out" here anytime you'd like, hon. That's what we're here for. :)
And thank you for being so patient in waiting for my response. ღ
 

Flowergurl

New Member
Okay, I'm back again. :D Thank you, kindly, for waiting. ♥

You may love your boyfriend, hon, but I wonder how much does your boyfriend love you!
If he loves you, he shouldn't pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing (and he shouldn't try to make you feel bad or give you the silent treatment when he's disappointed, either). He should respect your feelings. (I wouldn't be surprised if he's "silent" because he's looking for someone else to be his "baby-making machine". It's been done before.)
Giving someone the silent treatment is manipulating, and trying to control someone is a tactic often used by abusers. You might want to be real careful about this guy, hon!

He might only want to marry you so you can give him children. If he wants kids that badly, let him adopt some! :D
But seriously, I'm very impressed that you thought through all the pros and cons about making such an important decision as marriage and having children. Your reasons are very reasonable and valid: a woman doesn't have the luxury of staying home and raising children anymore (even if she wants to give up her career) - because what if the husband leaves! A woman has to stay in the work-force in case she has to financially provide for her children. And it makes it very hard on the mother if she has to work outside the home as well as be a housewife and mother - especially if her wages are the same as yours currently are.
In the past, men would often stay in a marriage, even if he wanted to leave. But nowadays, if a man wants to leave his wife and children, he often does. And even if the husband doesn't leave, there are too many men (such as in your case, hon) that still expect the wife to come home from work and take care of the kids, get the dinner on the table... (The book in my signature is excellent at explaining all of this. Please do yourself a favor, hon, and download it. It's free and it's fast to read and I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it.)

You would make a good mother because you care about how much time you would devote to your children.
I wish all parents were good but too many of them are prejudiced against a future son or daughter-in-law, especially if he/she comes from a different background. And parents can make life very difficult for us - even as adults - if we don't do what they want (which, I'm sorry to say, is also controlling). You already have too many controlling people in your life - you don't need to marry another one!
Don't be surprised if your parents wouldn't approve of your current boyfriend, either (and that will just cause even more problems for you!) Your boyfriend is asking you to give up a lot, just so he can have sex with you and get children from you.

As far as your child/children having a mom who's an artist is concerned, I would think your child would feel privileged. :)
If your child would be bullied (for any reason), the problem lies with the bullies. If they didn't tease/harass your child because of what you do for a living, they'd find something else to bully your child about. Bullies usually don't like themselves, they're miserable, and they take their unhappiness/frustration out on others. We can't change what we do, generally speaking, in order to accommodate bullies - they'll just find something else to make fun of us about. Or they'll make up lies/rumors about us. They're miserable and they make everyone else's life around them miserable, too. That goes for grownups as well as kids. If someone wants to gossip about what we do for a living, again, they're the problem. Some people need to get a life and stop passing judgement on others. But sadly, they don't. And again, if they have such an empty life that they have nothing else better to do than gossip, they would find something about you to talk about, even if you had a different career.

It's wonderful to be "young at heart". People like that often make the best parents; you would still be a responsible parent but you'd be fun-loving/you'd make parenting fun for your child, too (rather than being a strict and severe disciplinarian and having the child be afraid of his/her parent).
You only have yourself to be responsible for, now, so it's easy for us to be neglectful when it's just ourselves. When we have a child to take care of, we automatically become more attentive to the needs of this other little person in our life - so I'm sure you'd adjust just fine. :)

It's much better to have healthy parents but children are very adaptable so I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem if you weren't always well. If anything, having a family member who has an illness often produces a child who is caring and compassionate (and appreciative when everyone is healthy). Your desire to prevent passing down the likelihood of your child having allergies just proves that you're a responsible, considerate person - which just confirms that you deserve to have a man who appreciates your caring nature.

You are correct in saying that childbirth pains are much more severe than menstrual cramps. (Severe period pain is like a mild version of going into labor - our uterus contracts in both situations. Have you seen a doctor about your period pain? You shouldn't have to suffer every time you have your period. We can talk about this more in another post - I'm afraid my post, here, is quite lengthy already!!)

If your boyfriend ever decides to stop sulking and start talking to you again, I'd give him a copy of your post (and you can give him a copy of my post, too) so he can see how important it is for him to allow you to decide if and when you want to get married and whether or not you want to have children, and when. You'll be the person going through the labor pains, not him!
And if he really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he needs to start respecting your wishes and not "bully" you into doing what he wants. Otherwise, maybe you'll find someone else - someone who cares enough about you to respect your decisions. You're intelligent enough to make the best decisions, the right choices. You've proven that in your post.

If a man loves you but he belongs to a different religion than you, you can teach your children about the two different religions. That shouldn't be a problem. Children often decide what to believe when they grow up, anyway.
Other couples, from different religious backgrounds, have had two separate wedding ceremonies and have had successful marriages (as long as their families don't interfere).

I'm glad you came to talk to us, here. You can "lash out" here anytime you'd like, hon. That's what we're here for. :)
And thank you for being so patient in waiting for my response. ღ
Hi, sorry if I took time to reply this, I've just finished my draft for the manga that I should publish, so I have more free time now to read and reply
Thank you for the answer, I'm going to have a serious talk with my boyfriend now XD
 

Flowergurl

New Member
Okay, I'm back again. :D Thank you, kindly, for waiting. ♥

You may love your boyfriend, hon, but I wonder how much does your boyfriend love you!
If he loves you, he shouldn't pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing (and he shouldn't try to make you feel bad or give you the silent treatment when he's disappointed, either). He should respect your feelings. (I wouldn't be surprised if he's "silent" because he's looking for someone else to be his "baby-making machine". It's been done before.)
Giving someone the silent treatment is manipulating, and trying to control someone is a tactic often used by abusers. You might want to be real careful about this guy, hon!

He might only want to marry you so you can give him children. If he wants kids that badly, let him adopt some! :D
But seriously, I'm very impressed that you thought through all the pros and cons about making such an important decision as marriage and having children. Your reasons are very reasonable and valid: a woman doesn't have the luxury of staying home and raising children anymore (even if she wants to give up her career) - because what if the husband leaves! A woman has to stay in the work-force in case she has to financially provide for her children. And it makes it very hard on the mother if she has to work outside the home as well as be a housewife and mother - especially if her wages are the same as yours currently are.
In the past, men would often stay in a marriage, even if he wanted to leave. But nowadays, if a man wants to leave his wife and children, he often does. And even if the husband doesn't leave, there are too many men (such as in your case, hon) that still expect the wife to come home from work and take care of the kids, get the dinner on the table... (The book in my signature is excellent at explaining all of this. Please do yourself a favor, hon, and download it. It's free and it's fast to read and I'm sure you'll be able to relate to it.)

You would make a good mother because you care about how much time you would devote to your children.
I wish all parents were good but too many of them are prejudiced against a future son or daughter-in-law, especially if he/she comes from a different background. And parents can make life very difficult for us - even as adults - if we don't do what they want (which, I'm sorry to say, is also controlling). You already have too many controlling people in your life - you don't need to marry another one!
Don't be surprised if your parents wouldn't approve of your current boyfriend, either (and that will just cause even more problems for you!) Your boyfriend is asking you to give up a lot, just so he can have sex with you and get children from you.

As far as your child/children having a mom who's an artist is concerned, I would think your child would feel privileged. :)
If your child would be bullied (for any reason), the problem lies with the bullies. If they didn't tease/harass your child because of what you do for a living, they'd find something else to bully your child about. Bullies usually don't like themselves, they're miserable, and they take their unhappiness/frustration out on others. We can't change what we do, generally speaking, in order to accommodate bullies - they'll just find something else to make fun of us about. Or they'll make up lies/rumors about us. They're miserable and they make everyone else's life around them miserable, too. That goes for grownups as well as kids. If someone wants to gossip about what we do for a living, again, they're the problem. Some people need to get a life and stop passing judgement on others. But sadly, they don't. And again, if they have such an empty life that they have nothing else better to do than gossip, they would find something about you to talk about, even if you had a different career.

It's wonderful to be "young at heart". People like that often make the best parents; you would still be a responsible parent but you'd be fun-loving/you'd make parenting fun for your child, too (rather than being a strict and severe disciplinarian and having the child be afraid of his/her parent).
You only have yourself to be responsible for, now, so it's easy for us to be neglectful when it's just ourselves. When we have a child to take care of, we automatically become more attentive to the needs of this other little person in our life - so I'm sure you'd adjust just fine. :)

It's much better to have healthy parents but children are very adaptable so I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem if you weren't always well. If anything, having a family member who has an illness often produces a child who is caring and compassionate (and appreciative when everyone is healthy). Your desire to prevent passing down the likelihood of your child having allergies just proves that you're a responsible, considerate person - which just confirms that you deserve to have a man who appreciates your caring nature.

You are correct in saying that childbirth pains are much more severe than menstrual cramps. (Severe period pain is like a mild version of going into labor - our uterus contracts in both situations. Have you seen a doctor about your period pain? You shouldn't have to suffer every time you have your period. We can talk about this more in another post - I'm afraid my post, here, is quite lengthy already!!)

If your boyfriend ever decides to stop sulking and start talking to you again, I'd give him a copy of your post (and you can give him a copy of my post, too) so he can see how important it is for him to allow you to decide if and when you want to get married and whether or not you want to have children, and when. You'll be the person going through the labor pains, not him!
And if he really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he needs to start respecting your wishes and not "bully" you into doing what he wants. Otherwise, maybe you'll find someone else - someone who cares enough about you to respect your decisions. You're intelligent enough to make the best decisions, the right choices. You've proven that in your post.

If a man loves you but he belongs to a different religion than you, you can teach your children about the two different religions. That shouldn't be a problem. Children often decide what to believe when they grow up, anyway.
Other couples, from different religious backgrounds, have had two separate wedding ceremonies and have had successful marriages (as long as their families don't interfere).

I'm glad you came to talk to us, here. You can "lash out" here anytime you'd like, hon. That's what we're here for. :)
And thank you for being so patient in waiting for my response. ღ
Hey, so... I just talked with my boyfriend and I don't know if I should be happy about it or no
First of all I asked him directly if he'll be dissappointed if I decided not to have baby. He then replied with no, and gave me something philosphocal about we can't predict the future and stuffs. We won't know who we are until the day we die, so... for example if someone ask you who you are, maybe your answer will differ each time you're asked, maybe your goal will change, maybe you decided on something else, etc. That we should just go with the flow.
Well... I then answered "but I think it's not a bad thing to talk about the future, you know...to plan"
As I started explaining the reasons earlier, I just covered like 1/4 of the content, he shush me and said, you're thinking too much, why should you worry about that, we'll know in the future.
Then he started to answer some of my worries. "Well, if you're too overworked over that comic, then why don't you just simplify the style, this comics is successful with such simple style".
I then explain, "I have to upload once a week, with such style, while that comic with simple style have to upload 3x a week, so the workload is practically the same"
I'm also the type that wanted my comics to be successful with my artstyle, not the style I copied from other artist
"also, I wanted to give out good quality to my reader, so I put up so much time in my comics, hoping that I can entertain everyone, and kinda hoping to increase the amount of readers so hopefully my paychecks..."
But then he cut me off "subscriber and subscriber, that's all I heard from people like you, youtubers, webtoonist, and other social media creators, all you think about is subscriber, that's too old-fashioned and you're over-working yourself, I don't know, maybe try to manage your time, take shortcuts or something, life is difficult already, why do yoy keep adding problem if your life is already hard enough, you know what, let's not talk about this, it's just not necessary"
And it ended like that, kinda sad because maybe I'm just... too soft?? When I'm sad, my previous boyfriend is the type who'll said "okay, you can cry as much as you want first, after that we'll talk about it over some coffee, how does that sound??" And we'll talk about it, calmly, no shouting. I'm just used to being soft, I know it's a bad thing
Tho from this conversation, I started to think, am I being to materalistic?? Am I just simply thinking about myself?? Well, what do you think?? Were all the crammings and hard work for my comics are just some over-work, making me a working freak??
 
Last edited:

Christinegirl

Moderator
Staff member
Yeah, and "the flow" is, you're not having his kids. ;)

HE SHUSHED YOU?!! That's it, hon - kick him to the curb! He's acting like this now - who knows how he'll act after, (if/when) you get married!

Maybe he's thinking too much about this whole subject.

You know how you feel now. You don't have to wait for the future!

Quality takes time - I get that. He should, too. It's your art, your creation. You want it to be the best as possible. It's a reflection of your abilities, your skills as an artist, your talents.

HE CUT YOU OFF/INTERRUPTED YOU?!! That's a rude thing for him to do! o_O

Subscribers are customers. As an artist, you depend on subscribers/customers for your livelihood. How else are you supposed to pay your bills! What is he, a moron?! :D

"... People like you..." ? Ya mean hard working, talented, successful artists? - yeah, what about 'em? ;)

What's "old fashioned" about earning a living?

"... all you think about is subscriber..." Yeah, maybe all he thinks about is you having his babies!

Maybe you wouldn't have to "over-work yourself" if you got a decent wage. And what does he think you're going to do if you;
marry him,
take care of him
and the children
and the house
and still work outside the home (unless he has a well-paying job)? Now that's being over-worked!

Your problems have nothing to do with time management, hon.

Why, is that what he does at his job: take shortcuts?! People like you have professional integrity: you do not take shortcuts when it comes to art. That's one of the problems in this world: there are too many people who are lazy and don't care to do their job properly!

"... take shortcuts or something..."? I'd opt for the "something" - like kicking him to the curb! ;) Like he said, life is difficult already, why add one more problem (him)? Life is already hard enough.

It's not a good sign when someone doesn't want to talk about something. It usually means they don't have a good "argument", they can't justify their case/their side of the discussion.
It is necessary to talk about things now, before the wedding/marriage. Because if issues can't be resolved, it's a lot easier to walk away from the relationship now than wait and then have to get a divorce.
As you're Catholic, you'll possibly want to take a Pre-Cana course - and the priest will ask your boyfriend a lot of questions, whether your boyfriend likes it or not. Or else, the priest won't marry you both. Because (as I'm sure you know), it's very difficult to get a divorce in the Catholic Church.

(On a side note, hon, in yours and his culture/country, does the bride have to promise to love, honor, and obey? If so, he may use that against you after you get married - telling you that you have to obey him and give him children.)

If you have to make a vow to obey a husband, I don't recommend you marry this guy, hon. Not after what you've told us, here.

There's nothing wrong with being soft, hon. You just need to be with someone that you don't have to "harden" yourself for because you have to argue/battle with him. That's not a healthy relationship.
You need to be with someone who doesn't make you cry - because as women, we're often very in touch with our emotions. And that's a good thing. When we're sad, we're supposed to cry, we're supposed to release those emotions. If we don't, those emotions just come out in other (less healthy) ways. It's all explained very well in the book in my signature, hon. It's free to download and it's a wealth of information. Please do yourself a favor and read it. I think you might be able to relate to it very well. I know it taught me a lot. :)

See, hon, this is why it's often so dangerous to be in a relationship with people like your boyfriend. They're very skilled at making us question/doubt ourselves. As an "outsider", someone who is emotionally removed from your situation and can look at both sides objectively, I can honestly say that you are not being too materialistic/selfish. You have to think about yourself, you have to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. You sure can't depend on him to look out for your best interest. If he was looking out for you, he would want to talk about anything that's bothering you, he'd let you speak and he'd respect your feelings and your wishes - instead of just wanting to avoid the issue and then maybe try to get you to do what he wants, after you're married (where he's hoping he can intimidate/manipulate you).

You worked hard for what you have achieved, artistically, and you shouldn't have to throw that away. You have to earn a living and there's nothing wrong with having a good work ethic.

The bottom line, hon, is this: if you have any doubts, don't marry this guy. Married life is hard enough, even if we love someone and they seem perfect. If there are problems before a marriage, they often get magnified once we're married.

Thank you for updating us. ;) Please let us know how things go. ☺
 
Top