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Am I Alone in this?

4thebrknhrtd

New Member
I've been dating my boyfriend for six months.
I'm religious and therefore typically say no to premarital sex.
Except, when I met my boyfriend I fell in love with him and I wanted to share my whole self with him.
However, time passed and I told him that I wanted to put the sex on hold for a number of reasons
  1. A pregnancy scare that we had
  2. The lingering pressure in my mind that because i've had sex with him he always kind of expects it
  3. I didn't like intentionally going against my religion
  4. I didn't like the way he treated me when we were just going about hanging out (like in a degrading kink kind of way)
However, I just learned yesterday that he has been watching porn since I've asked about not having sex. Specifically I accidentally stumbled across the evidence by seeing he was watching porn two days after our six month anniversary, which was one day before he was going to come to my house over the weekend.

Now, I'm not prude. I just said no to the actual sex part, not other sexual activity.
And yet I feel betrayed since he's constantly telling me that he doesn't find other girls attractive, or look at them(like look LOOK). Most of the things he assures me of is things that he says voluntarily, not because I'm asking for reassurance.

I then asked him about him watching porn and he said he would stop, and even promised, because he didn't know that I had anything against it.
I accepted his apology and I want to work hard on making this relationship last, but I can't get the image out of my head of him looking at other girls in the same bed that I gave him my virginity XD :(
  1. Can I believe his promise?
  2. Are the trust issues I now have unreasonable?
  3. Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just me?
 
If porn hasn't been a topic of discussion he might have assumed you would be ok with him watching porn instead of other physical sexual activities.

It would be better to discuss your thought processes with your boyfriend, as you seem to be having difficulties accepting his apology. I do not think your doubt is misplaced, but good communication helps clear a lot of insecurities.

If he cannot stop watching porn and it a deal breaker for your relationship then it would be better to go your seperate ways. As he would not be respecting your values or being true to his word.

I hope this helps.
 

4thebrknhrtd

New Member
If porn hasn't been a topic of discussion he might have assumed you would be ok with him watching porn instead of other physical sexual activities.

It would be better to discuss your thought processes with your boyfriend, as you seem to be having difficulties accepting his apology. I do not think your doubt is misplaced, but good communication helps clear a lot of insecurities.

If he cannot stop watching porn and it a deal breaker for your relationship then it would be better to go your seperate ways. As he would not be respecting your values or being true to his word.

I hope this helps.

It has been a topic of discussion, and I realize now that when I first met him I should have been more clear on my thoughts about it. ( I consider it a form of cheating)
I have asked him about it before (months before he started watching it again) and he said it would always be something he would be honest about and that at the time he was not watching it.

If I look at myself, I think what I find bothers me the most is that he didn't tell me that waiting for sex would be a bigger problem that I first anticipated (I knew it wasn't just a tiny problem for him, but I didn't think it would reach the point of him watching porn) --and every time I'm thinking about his actions I can't help but compare myself to the other girls, since I'm fairly average.

I believe him when he says that he wants to make our relationship work, as he says porn isn't something he needs,
but I do question his self control. He is a teenage boy after all-- the control of a teenage boy is that of a puppy--- fairly non-existent
He said he'd even talk to a therapist about it because he doesn't want to hurt me and ultimately our relationship.
I just have a fear of getting hurt again, mentally and emotionally, and having to go through the same cycle of betrayal.

The trust process has started again, so whether I'm a fool I do not know,
but the only way I can trust him and forgive him is to push every thought if it out of my mind, whenever it enters.
Is that reasonable? Or should I be finding another way to deal with it do you think? Because I don't know if forgetting is necessarily healthy XD
 
Ignoring his behavior is not a reasonable or healthy solution. At the end of the day you have no control over his actions. Whether you trust him or not will be a joint effort. He will have to stick to what he says and at this point you will have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

In regards to sex drive. We are all sexual creatures and have different levels of libido based on age, physical and mental health. Guys often get random boners in their younger years for no apparent reason. So keep that factor in mind. In general teenagers have more hormones coursing through their body that cause the active desire for sex.

It sounds like you guys are both pretty young. By all means go to individual counseling or couples counseling. No matter what age it will help you better understand your personal boundaries and what you expect from a serious relationship.

Finally, I feel like it needs to be said that just because your boyfriend was your first sexual partner does not mean you have to stick around if he doesn't respect your boundaries. I am going off an assumption that your faith has certain restrictions/implications on young people's sexual activity and promiscuity. That once you "give" your body away to one person it is tainted forever-after, if you do not stay in that relationship. You are more than one sexual encounter. Sex in a relationship is about trust, communication, and respect. These are essential to any relationship. They must continue to exist beyond the initial phase of infatuation and the fact that he was your first does not lessen your worth as a person.
 
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